The town of Walmart

Mar 4th
Posted by shambo  as Shopping

People of Walmart

Let me say this about that.

What is it about Walmart that attracts people?¬† Why do people flock there in droves?¬† Why do people go to Walmart without a clue as to what they are going to buy?¬† What is it about this American institution that is so attractive to so many diverse age groups, races, and socio-economic levels?¬† It’s one of the great mysteries of our time.

If you live in a small to medium-sized town, there is a Walmart near you.¬† They are as ubiquitous as Starbucks in shopping malls, fleas on a dog, Baptist churches in Georgia, hookers in Las Vegas, calories in french fries.¬† Well, you get my drift.¬† If you live in a small town where the nearest shopping mall is at least 50 miles away, chances are…¬†¬†¬† your neighborhood Walmart is actually a Super Walmart.

Super Walmarts are massive enterprises with their own zip codes.  Their employees are so numerous they are issued passports and granted citizenship in the Super Walmart.  I have heard rumors about a customer who went into one of these places Рand never came out Рonly to be discovered years later living among the fruit trees in the garden center.

I know for a fact that an entire Indian tribe lives in the Super Walmart in Everglades City, Florida.¬† They have started their own casino in the electronics department and have a guy that wrestles alligators in an area right next to the deli.¬† This always made me a little leery of buying¬†sandwich meat¬†there because I’ve heard that sometimes the alligator wins.

If you are a redneck, going to Walmart is not an option.¬† Rednecks that don’t regularly visit their local Walmart are shunned by their neighbors as being antisocial troublemakers with probable ties to Al Qaeda.¬† Your standing in the community¬†can be¬†raised to the highest level if you show-up in the Walmart parking lot with a dead six-point buck strapped into the back of your pickup truck.¬† The only higher honor that could be bestowed would follow your mother’s confession that you were conceived on top of the leafy vegetable section of the produce department.

I must confess an ignorance of ¬†‘all-things-Walmart’ until I was educated by a cousin who lives in a small town in North Carolina.¬† He told me he goes to the local Super Walmart almost every day.

Shambo:¬† “Dude, why in the hell do you need to go to the Walmart every day?”

Cousin:¬† “To get stuff I need.”

Shambo:¬† “Stuff?¬† What stuff?¬† If you would just make a list of ‘stuff’ you need before you go, you wouldn’t have to go back every day.”

Cousin:¬† “Well, first of all I kinda like going to Walmart.¬† Plus, I usually don’t know what I need until I get there.”

Shambo:¬† “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.¬† Give me an example.¬† Tell me what you bought when you went to Walmart yesterday.”

Cousin:¬† “Oh, let me think.¬† I got a pair of welding gloves, a 5-gallon tub of lard, and a canoe.”

Recently, I ran across a website called “People of Walmart”.¬† It is¬†waaaay¬† cool.¬† Apparently¬†some folks¬†take photos of other people when they shop at Walmart.¬† If they get a really good picture of a really interesting patron, the guys that run the site publish it on the web.¬† Check it out – you won’t believe it.¬† Now¬†I go to Walmart just for the show.¬† I can’t believe they don’t have a cover charge – it’s that good.

All I can say is that here are some strange ‘mammy-jammers’ that shop at Walmart.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.



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