Perfect exercise machine

Mar 8th
Posted by shambo  as Health

Let me say this about that.

I’ll just come right out and say it.¬† I’m overweight.¬† To¬†expand (pardon the pun) on that description, one could say that¬†I’m rotund,¬† ample, stout, generously proportioned, corpulent, full bodied, oversized, plump, gordo, prodigious, gravitationally complementary – or most simply,¬†I’m a lard ass.¬† I’m only six feet tall, but I’m always the tallest guy in the room – when I lie down.

I wasn’t always fat, but the last 10 years or so, I have steadily added to my bulk to the point that every time I go to the beach, the tide comes in.¬† There are a number of reasons for this steady increase in my gravitational profile.¬† Mrs. Shambo, for one.¬† She is a great cook, so good in fact that she is currently writing a cookbook.¬† She constantly wants to try new recipes on me and I’m happy to oblige.¬† It’s not that I want to eat all the time – I’m just being supportive.

Living in a¬†neighborhood where ‘cocktail hour’ is celebrated with the same reverence as the selection of a new Pope doesn’t help either.¬† Walk down my street any day after 5:00pm and you can’t get to the end of the block and still pass a ‘breath-a-lizer’ test.¬† We don’t have an “Alcoholics Anonamous’ here ……… ¬†simply because everyone knows each other.

Mrs. Shambo has been trying to get me to buy an exercise machine to help lose some weight.¬† She points out that ever since she bought her “AssMaster 3000″¬† that she has dropped 10 pounds.¬† Funny coincidence, my nickname in college was “AssMaster” , but that was…¬†¬†¬† a whole other thing.

Anyway, I started to do some internet research on exercise machines and immediately discovered a plethoria of devises making all sorts of claims to aid weight loss.  Take the following machines, for example:

Red Fitness - XL

 Red Fitness РXL:

The Red Fitness XL is a device upon which one sits, holds on to the attached rail,¬†while¬†twisting and turning on the rotating seat.¬† The claim by the manufacturer is that the turning motion aids in the reduction of hard-to-lose mid-section body fat.¬† The accompanying product literature also makes another, rather bizarre claim.¬† It suggests that the basic exercise (twisting and turning a rotatable seat)¬† is “easy for beginners”.¬† Well, DUH !!¬† Ya think?¬†

Basically it’s a $119 bar stool without the benefit of a cocktail sitting in front of you.¬†

 Power Plate Whole Body Vibrator: 

Power Plate

This device claims to be the latest technology in the reduction of body weight without actually doing any exercise.¬† It looks a little like a bathroom scale mounted on a bicycle frame.¬† The inventor claims that you can get a 30 minute workout in 10 minutes, simply by standing on the thing while it vibrates your whole body.¬† My ‘dirty-old-man’ inclinations instantly thought of a dozen alternative uses so I decided to buy one.¬† It was only when I found out the damn thing costs $4,500¬†that I came to my senses.¬†

Jeez, with four thousand, five hundred dollars, you¬†can buy yourself a late model used car.¬† But an exercise machine?¬† Hell, for $4,500,¬†a ‘whole body vibrator’ ¬†should at least provide a “Happy Ending”.



Shake Weight

 Shake Weight:
Now this is my favorite – The Shake Weight.¬† This little device looks like a small dumbbell that is held in one or both hands and shaken as rapidly as possible.¬† The design of the Shake Weight allows the weight at either end of the ‘dumbbell’ to oscillate, providing resistance, and thus, exercising the arms.¬† It’s a ridiculous device, of course, ¬†but I was captivated by the¬†demonstration on their website video.¬† The video describes the device as being designed “for women” and demonstrates it’s use in a way that looks remarkably¬†like a woman is giving a gorilla a hand-job.¬† It is, without doubt, the most unbelievable commercial I have ever seen.¬† Further, it recommends a ‘workout’ of about 6 minutes – which is amazingly close to the time it takes a¬†guy to get ……. well, use your imagination.

I don’t see how this product can possibly fail since every guy I know is buying one of these things as a Christmas¬†gift for his wife.¬† As for Mrs. Shambo, it’s the perfect compliment for her “AssMaster”¬† — both of them.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.




  1. Sports News  12th September 2013  

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  2. StUnT  15th April 2010  

    I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing

  3. rolsworth  31st March 2010  

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