Menopause 101

Mar 9th
Posted by shambo  as Education, Health, Women

Menopause - 101

Let me say this about that.

I, not unlike every other guy on the planet, could not define “menopause”¬† if you held a gun to¬†my head.¬† We know it exists, we know that it’s bad, we know it can turn a perfectly normal female into a ‘Babbling Beelzebub Banshee Bitch’¬† for no apparent reason – we just don’t understand what it is, exactly.¬† It’s kinda like gravity – we know it’s there, but we’re at a loss to explain what causes it.

Men don’t experience menopause, so we have no frame of reference.¬†¬†¬† (Any guy¬†that tells you he’s going through “male menopause” is simply trying to attach a sympathy-inducing term to the fact that he’s getting old and is pissed-off that his life didn’t turn out better than it did.)¬†¬†¬† It’s really not our fault.¬† From childhood men have had to rely on women to explain menopause to us.¬† Regrettably, women¬†are apt¬†to describe menopause, like everything else,¬†in¬†terms of¬†…¬†¬†¬† “their feelings”, rather than a nuts-and-bolts explanation a guy could understand. For example, a guy wants an explanation something like this:

A “guy” explanation of menopause:¬† “An irregular deflabulation of the moler canal which initiates a foobular excretion onto snockuler membrane.¬† This in turn, causes a ventrical contraction of the left boogerteen vessel, thus causing¬†the bitch to go nuts.”

If you have ever heard a guy try to explain menopause to someone, you know how pathetic Рand entertaining Рit can be.  Take for example:

My friend Carl and I were sitting in his back yard, trying to drink the bottom out of his beer cooler while he explained to me why Nancy Pelosi is such a horse’s-ass.¬† His son and¬†grandkids were visiting for a few days and somewhere between six-pack number 2 and 3, his twenty-something¬†son and 10 year old grandson joined us.

I suppose the Nancy Pelosi conversation was boring the kid, so from nowhere, he interupted the conversation with the following question:

Kid:¬† “Dad, what’s menopause?”

Dad:¬† “Hoo-boy.”

Carl and I gave each other a knowing glance like we had just found two Super Bowl tickets lying by the side of the road.¬† This was going to be great fun and it wasn’t costing us a cent.

Dad:¬† “Well son, that’s complicated.¬† It comes at the end of a long string of other things that you might not know about.¬† It’s kinda like you’re taking a final exam in biology without ever taking the course. Do you know anything about the ‘Birds and the Bees’ ?”

Kid:¬† “Sure.¬† Birds make nests and bees make honey.”

Dad:¬† “Hoo-boy.¬† No son, I mean like where babies come from.”

Kid:¬† “Does this have something to do with a ‘Venis’ ?”

Dad:¬† “Venis?¬† What’s a Venis ?”

Kid:¬† “I’m not sure.¬† I saw it written on the back of the bathroom door at school.¬† It said, ‘What do you get when you cross a penis with a vagina?”

Dad:¬† ” Let me guess – a Venis?”

Old Carl gave his son a shrug as if to say,¬† ‘Ya got a better explanation, go for it’.¬† While his son mulled his options, Carl and I both grabbed another longneck from the cooler to await the next act of this unfolding human comedy.

Dad:¬† “OK, let’s go with Venis, for now.¬† You see son, when you¬†reach manhood, and have finished college and have a good job, sometime in¬†your early thirties, you may meet a woman and fall in love.¬† A few years later you may want to start your own family so you and your wife might make a Venis, and after a little while, a blessed event happens.”

Kid:¬† “Oh, I get it.¬† It’s like when I eat too many chili burritos.”

Carl almost choked on his beer and was trying so hard not to laugh that he set the senior citizen record for snot bubbles.¬† My mind was racing to¬†fathom just how we got from¬†‘menopause’ to ‘chili burritos’¬† in¬†a span of a minute and a half.¬† Carl’s son was glaring at¬†him for taking such enjoyment from his¬†predicament and it looked like it might get ugly.

Dad:¬† “Son, go in the house and watch TV.¬† I¬†need to have a word with your Grandfather.”

Shambo:¬† “Well Carl, ‘ol buddy.¬† I’d like to stick around and watch your son kick your ass, but I’ve just had a great idea for a blog.¬† Best of luck and give me a call when you get out of the hospital.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.






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