My dog’s blog

Mar 28th
Posted by shambo  as Animals

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Let me say this about.

Anyone who tells you that writing a blog is hard work, probably works for the Postal Service.¬† Blog writing is actually quite simple and requires a bare minimum of tools.¬† Let’s see, you need a PC and you need a brain – probably explaining why postal workers believe it’s such hard work.¬† Most of the available ‘blog writers’ software packages’¬† come with a spell checker and a warning¬†/ suggestion alarm¬†if you construct an incomplete sentence, so even¬†a University of Alabama grad can do it.¬† I use a system from “Go Daddy”, not necessarily because they have the best system, but because I think Danica Patrick¬†¬†has the finest little fanny I have ever seen.¬†

The system is incredibly easy to use – so simple that my dog, a Basset Hound named¬†¬†‘Beauregard’ , has started his own website.¬† The name of his website is “Bad¬†Basset Bitches of Bayside Borough.com.”¬† Please forgive the crude title.¬† Beauregard gets a little randy occasionally.¬† He’s not neutered, you see.

If you check out the site, you have to sign a statement that attests that you are at least…¬†¬†¬† two & one half¬†years old in order to enter (that would be the dog year equivalent age¬†of 18).¬† Beauregard¬†has divided his site into several departments – some of which publish letters and pictures from his loyal readers.¬† The department that gets the most activity is “Big Basset Boobies Bared”.¬† There is generally only one dog pictured since¬†most have¬†eight hooties anyway.¬† After the first half dozen, you’re ready to move on to something else.

Male dogs write in to brag about how high on the tree trunk they are able to hike their leg and pee.¬† I’ve noticed a¬†remarkable similarity in the tendency of male dogs and male homosapiens to lie about their prowess in matters of urination.¬† I know a guy¬†who claims he can¬†pee an exact replica of ‘John Hancock’s’ signature in the snow.¬† Beauregard showed me a letter from a write-in that claims he saw a Beagle piss over a telephone wire.¬† I guess when it comes to the dispensation of bodily fluids, all men are not pigs – they’re just dogs.

Then there is the most popular feature¬†of Beauregard’s blog where dogs write in to¬†discuss for the ‘Butt-Sniffing-Etiquette-Tip-of-the-Month’.¬† I always thought that once you smelled one asshole, they all smelled pretty much the same.¬† Beauregard assures me there is a huge difference.¬† And it seems there is a great deal of tradition and protocol involved.¬† There is the traditional¬†“oh, you’re the new dog”¬† butt sniff.¬† Then there is the “I’m not sure if you are a boy or a girl”¬† sniff.¬† And finally, there is¬†the “oh, hoochie mama !!”¬† sniff, generally followed by copious butt¬†licking, mounting, and finally a cold pail of water.

Beauregard also features an advice column in his blog where he dispenses dog wisdom to the forlorn, despondent, and woebegone¬†K-9′s out there¬†in the blogosphere.¬† Here’s a sample from yesterday’s blog:

Fido:¬† Dear Beauregard.¬† My master gets very embarrassed when I lick my balls.¬† How can I convince him it’s a perfectly natural thing to do?¬† Fido.

Beauregard:  Dear Fido.  Lick his balls for a change.  That should do the trick.  Beauregard.

Rover:  Dear Beauregard.  My daddy was a Cocker Spaniel and my momma was a Rottweiler.  What does that make me?  Rover.

Beauregard:  Dear Rover.  That would make you a Cockrot, and I would advise you see a vet as soon as possible.  Beauregard.

Lassie:¬† Dear Beauregard.¬† My mistress gets upset when I eat the cat’s food before he can eat it.¬† Is it really a bad thing to eat the cat’s food?¬† Lassie

Beauregard:¬† Dear Lassie.¬† It is OK to eat the cat’s food, but only after the cat has eaten it.¬† Beauregard.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

 

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8 Comments

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