Life lessons for a 10-year old

Apr 14th
Posted by shambo  as Education, Growing up

Life lesson # 1

Let me say this about that.

Did you ever try to teach anything to a¬†ten year-old boy? (you granddads out there can chime in any time).¬† I’ve tried it a few times, but I gotta tell ya, it’s completely beyond my skill set.¬† Oh, it’s not that I lack the education – I’ve done my time¬†in¬†Harvard grad school, ¬†but the challenges one faces when trying to teach 10-year olds requires all lot more than a traditional education.¬† It can be exasperating.¬† I believe the ability to refrain from commiting murder when it is perfectly justified is¬†a¬†prerequisite skill.

First of all, you are dealing with a flawed and largley blank canvas when dealing with a 10-year old boy.¬† What have they learned so far in life?¬† Let’s see: boogers don’t taste¬†so bad, farts are the funniest thing in the world, girls are much yuckier than frogs, and it is impossible to pee without spraying everything within a five foot radius – that about sums it up.

And, thus began the lessons in manhood for 10-year old Henry.¬† His Mom & Dad¬†were off on a weekend trip and they had left Henry in my custody.¬† And, so it occurred to me, that¬†initiating the ‘lessons-of-life’ for young Master¬†Henry¬†was¬†just the¬†job for…¬†¬†¬† UNCLE SHAMBO.¬†

Shambo:¬† “OK, Hank, today we are going to teach you some things that you will not learn in school, but are absolutely critical to your growth into manhood.¬† Are you ready to begin?”

Henry:¬† “Who’s Hank?”

Shambo:¬† “OK, maybe that’s a good place to start.¬† You see, when you get older, nobody calls you by your real name.¬† Hank is another way to say Henry.¬† Consider yourself lucky if ‘Hank’ sticks as your nick name rather than one like¬†I got stuck with.”

Henry:¬† “What was your nick name, Uncle Shambo?”

Shambo:¬† ” ‘Pickle Butt’, but that’s a story for another time.¬† Let’s begin with some knowledge you will need in order to survive everyday life as you grow into a young man. I’m not talking about things like …. ‘what’s the capital of Wisconsin’ …. I’m talking about things that ‘guys’¬†need to know.”

Henry:¬† “Like what, Uncle Shambo?”

Shambo:¬† “Well, I guess the ultimate ‘guy thing’ is that eventually every¬†guy¬† gives his penis a name.¬† And, like your nick-name Hank, if you don’t do it yourself, your buddies will do it and the name they pick will not be flattering.¬† So pick a name like ‘Johnson’¬†or ‘Dick’¬†or ‘Snake’, or something like that, understand?”

Henry:¬† “I want to name it the same name as your’s, Uncle Shambo.¬† What did you name your’s?”

Shambo:¬† “Willy the One-Eyed Wonder Worm.”

Henry:¬† “Got it.¬† What else do I need to know?”

Shambo:¬† “Oh, let’s see.¬† OK, I’ve got one.¬† You are going to hear about a¬†bunch of people¬†living¬†in a place called¬† ‘Bum-F**k, Egypt’.¬† Just remember, there is no such place”.

Henry:¬† “Then where¬†do they live?”

Shambo:¬† “Doesn’t matter.¬† Let’s move on.¬† If you hang around older kids, you are going to hear them¬†talk about¬†things they¬†enjoy that¬†sounds like cruelty¬†to animals.¬† Don’t worry about it – no animals are being harmed.”

Henry:¬† “What things, Uncle Shambo.”

Shambo:¬† “Oh, things like ‘shooting squirrels, hunting beaver, choking chickens,and spanking monkeys’.¬† Just remember, no animals are being harmed – understand?”

Henry:¬† “Not really.¬† Why would anyone want to spank a monkey, anyway?”

Shambo:¬† “The answer will come to you in a flash in three or four years.¬† Let’s continue.¬† You may also hear about three guys named ‘Tom, Dick, and Harry’.¬† There are no such people.”

Henry:¬† “Oh, I get it now.¬† Tom, Dick and Harry live in ‘Bum-F**k, Egypt’, right?”

Shambo:¬† “Maybe, I don’t know.¬† It sounds like you have developed an interest in geography.”

Henry:¬† “Yeah, it’s pretty cool.¬† Did you hear about the¬†man from Nantucket?”

Shambo:¬† “Oh boy, you’re killin’ me here, Hank.¬† Maybe we had better stick with the basics.¬† Have you ever tried to light a fart?”

And, that’s all¬† have to say about that.





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