Wife-filter

Apr 15th
Posted by shambo  as Communication, Relationships, Wives

Let me say this about that.

Like most guys, I believe¬†real¬†“spousal communication” is an oxymoron.¬† No matter how hard a guy tries, he is never really successful in achieving true communication with his wife.¬† Why you ask?¬† Because of the “wife-filter”.¬†

Whenever a guy says something to his wife, it goes into her ears and straight to the “wife-filter”.¬† Only after a great deal of manipulation in the filter, is the husband’s communication sent to her brain.

What actually happens in the “wife-filter”?¬† First of all, the exact details are as shrouded in mystery and complexity¬†as the “Internal Revenue Code of 1986″.¬† However, the scientists at the ‘Pointless Institute for Spousal Communication’¬†have informed me they believe progress is being made¬†in deciphering the workings of the “wife-filter”.¬† Let me pass on the results of their latest…¬†¬†¬† experiment in communication between spouses:

Husband comments:¬† “I would like a ham sandwich.”

Wife Filter receives and translates to:¬† “zkkqqnvx *B 3,75mplq #4$+~njio&^>+:”

Wife’s Brain Hears:¬† “I think I should take you to lunch and afterward buy you¬†a new pair of shoes.”

Wife’s Brain responds:¬† “I’ve had my eye on a new pair of black pumps.”¬†

Wife Filter translates to:¬† “dekdnhjk(^&gbsxdm3cvklf”

Wife responds:¬† “Why don’t you love me any more?”

It happens every day.

As the regular readers of LMSTAT know, I am a bit of a skeptic, so I decided to run my own experiment to verify the results¬†of the¬†‘Pointless¬†Institute’¬†study.¬† Mrs. Shambo was handy so I decided to¬†conduct my experiment using her as my subject.¬† Now this woman and I have been together for thirty some-odd years.¬† Logic would have you believe that in three decades, we would have developed perfect communication between the two of us.¬† You decide.

Experiment Environmental Conditions:   Mrs. Shambo enjoys riding her bicycle for morning exercise.

Experiment Objective:   Mrs. Shambo is to report on her morning exercise session.

EXPERIMENT RESULTS:

Mrs. Shambo:¬† “Goodness, the wind was really blowing.”

Now, let’s just stop right there for a minute.¬†¬†Yeah, that’s why they call it “wind”!¬† If it wasn’t blowing, it would be called “AIR”.¬† There is no such thing as “WIND”¬†that isn’t ‘blowing’.¬† So you see, we’re already¬†getting off to a rocky start.

Shambo:¬† “Go on.”

Mrs. Shambo:¬† “When I turned, I had to reduce the number.”

I quote: “When-I-turned-I-had-to-reduce-the-number.”¬†

What the hell does that mean?¬† Apparently the term “Go on” has caused the “wife-filter” to convert a conversation about ‘wind’ to something about ‘numbers’.¬† I am presuming she is trying to tell me something about her morning bicycle ride, but at this juncture we can’t be sure.¬† Experiment continues.

Shambo:¬† ” ‘When you turned?’¬† Turned what? Turned on?¬† Turned left?¬† Turned up?¬† Turned out?¬† Turned to Jesus?¬† What do you mean ‘turned’ “?

Mrs. Shambo:¬† “When I got half way, I turned around to come home.”

Now that makes perfectly good sense.¬† Apparently, there is an alarm on the “wife-filter” mechanism that senses rising frustration in the husbands voice and momentarily begins to translate a wife’s thoughts into English.¬† These fleeting moments must be captured quickly before the “wife-filter” alarm overheats and transitions from the use of the English language to the use of tears.¬† Experiment continues:

Shambo:¬† “OK.¬† What number are you talking about having to reduce?¬†“

Mrs. Shambo:¬† “The number on the bicycle, you nimrod.¬† What number did you think I was talking about?”

OK.¬† At this point I’m at a complete loss, but I think¬†I’m making progress.¬† This is what I know so far: a) the wind is blowing b) when she reached her destination, she turned around to come home and c) there is a ‘number’ on the bicycle that had to be reduced.¬† Where is there a number on a bicycle¬†and why does it have¬†to be changed to come home?¬†

Shambo:¬† “What number are you talking about, dear?¬† The serial number?¬† The number of wheels?¬† What?”

Mrs. Shambo:¬† “The number on the handle bars.¬† I had to make it smaller.”

At that point, I had an epiphany.

Shambo:¬† “Oh, now I get it.¬† The wind was blowing against you after you turned to come home and you had to shift to a lower gear – right?”

Mrs. Shambo:¬† “Why don’t you love me any more?”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

 

 

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. shambo  16th April 2010  

    Phoebe,
    I think you should try a good spanking with a ‘happy-ending’ before immediately going for deadly force, but that’s just my opinion.
    Shambo

  2. Phoebe  16th April 2010  

    You know I love you but if I had to live with you I would kill you! And that’s all I have to say about that!

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