Investment opportunity of the year

Aug 12th
Posted by shambo  as Investing

Nose Hair Removal Device

Let me say this about that.

To quote that great American philosopher – Yogi Berra - “The future ain’t what it used to be.”¬† Those of us who believe that you must invest your money in order to ensure a secure financial future¬†have been¬†taking a real beating the last few years.¬† The stock market has become less stable than Oprah’s waistline.¬† The real estate market in Afghanistan is in better shape than in America.¬† Banks are paying less than 1% interest on savings accounts and CD’s.

Just where is a safe, reliable, and profitable place to invest your savings, given that all the traditional avenues of investment are in the toilet?¬† This question is important to every middle aged citizen – but is downright compelling to all of us living on a fixed income (and by ‘fixed’, I mean fixed at ‘ZERO’ !!).

I decided that I shouldn’t bitch about this dilemma unless I have given my best effort to solve the problem. As such, I have constructed a few investment opportunities for those who are dissatisfied with the old traditional, non-performing investment schemes.¬† And, in no particular order, here they are…¬†¬†¬†

Rat Bacon:¬† OK, OK, just hear me out.¬† I realize the name needs a little work. Calling a product ‘Rat Bacon’ is like marketing¬†‘Sushi’ as ‘Cold Dead Fish.’¬† However, this product has a number of inherent advantages over regular bacon.¬† Rats are cleaner than pigs, they eat the same food as we do, and they have a gestation period shorter than ¬†attention span of a 5-year old.¬† Ergo, never any shortage of rats, so no worries about your supply line.¬† The strips of¬†rat bacon are much smaller, so not so many worries about cholesterol.¬† I could go on, but I don’t want to oversell the idea.

Nose Hair Removal Torch:¬† Women nowadays shave everything – legs, underarms, pubic hair, toes, and God knows what else.¬† Yet there remains that one little trouble spot that seems to have evaded even the most fastidious female shaver – nose hair !!!¬†¬† Most women would rather be seen on¬†‘YouTube’ in a¬†porno¬†film with warthogs, ¬†than seen in public¬†with course black,¬†bugger infused,¬†hair protruding from her nose.¬† And yet, the solution is so simple – because it exists already !!! The solution?¬† Butane charcoal lighters !!¬† Simply stick the lighter up your nose, pull the trigger, and Voila !!! No more nose hair.

Hot Air Balloon Brakes:¬† At first, this appears to be a ridiculous idea. I mean, to begin with,¬†the market has got to be really small.¬† Then there is a dilemma of how you stop something the size of a small condo that moves on the currents of the wind.¬† And how, exactly, does one activate the brakes to stop a hot air balloon?¬† All good questions, of course, but nothing that can’t be solved by our futuristic technology.¬† Our solution?¬† Ground-based rocket propelled grenades.¬† That’s right folks, a Bazooka.¬†¬†There is nothing like a Bazooka to stop a hot air balloon in it’s tracks¬†- problem solved.

Dog Condoms:¬† No real guy enjoys taking his beloved dog to the vet to ‘get-him-fixed’.¬† Let’s just put this out in the open in plain English …. they are gonna cut his¬†balls off !!¬† Even the most heartless redneck takes no joy in having this done to his dog.¬† The solution – ‘ Dog Condoms’ !!¬† With dog condoms, ‘ol Rover is free to mount anything slower than he is,¬†but with no worries that he is going to¬†knock-up your neighbors schnauzer.¬† This product will be ready for market just as soon as we figure out how¬†a dog can put on a condom without an opposable thumb.

And now, the investment opportunity of the year.

Dog Condom Applicator:¬†¬† Oh, shut up.¬† You knew this was coming.¬† Dog condoms would¬†sell for only¬†25 cents apiece.¬† Now, how much would you¬†pay NOT to have to put them on your dog ?¬† Am I a marketing genius, or what?¬† I was hoping for a more elegant solution than the¬†use of unemployed illegal aliens, but a technological solution has evaded me – even though the¬†‘illegal alien’ approach¬†does ¬†solve the opposable thumb problem.¬† But, what the hell?¬† Let’s go with this¬†solution until someone comes up with a better¬†idea ………¬† “Whoa Rover, what’s that you have there?¬† Hey, Carlos,¬†got a second?”¬†

Happy investing !!.

And, that’s all I have to say about that

 

 

 

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