Tiger’s divorce – do the math

Aug 23rd
Posted by shambo  as Current Events, Golf, Relationships, Sex, Women

A few of Tiger's ho's

Let me say this about that.

Oh, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.¬† You have¬†really¬†‘shat-in-your-hat’ this time.¬† Word has it that your D-I-V-O-R-C-E is final and, as part of the settlement, you have agreed to pay your ex-wife a whopping $700,000,000 dollars!!¬† I’m no economist, but I believe that amount exceeds the gross national product of Bolivia.

That¬†dollar amount is¬†such an outrageous number, I have trouble truly comprehending how much money that is.¬† The only way my tiny little brain can get it’s tiny little arms around¬†a number that big¬†is to break it down into much smaller pieces.¬†In other words, doing the math. ¬†Let’s start with a few obvious calculations:

Woody (pardon the pun) and his ex-wife were married just short of six years.¬† That means that Woods has paid his…¬†¬†¬† ex-wife $116 million/yr for her ‘wifely services’.¬† Not bad work if you can get it.¬† Perhaps a better way to do-the-math, especially for us blue-collar types, is to break it down¬†to an hourly rate.¬† What would you say to a job that pays you to live a life of luxury, sleep with a good looking professional athlete, and instruct your Nanny how to raise your two¬†rug-rats?¬† How about $55,769 per hour?¬† I’m certainly no fan of Tiger Woods, but Hell, I’d screw the guy for $55,769 an hour!!

There is credible evidence that Woods enjoyed the services of, at least, fifteen mistresses during his six years of marriage.¬† Whoa boy, this is where the math gets really interesting!¬† Making the next¬†calculation if fairly straight forward.¬† A $700 million divorce settlement for sleeping with fifteen women comes to $47,000,000 per ‘ho’.¬†

Let’s take a short pause and summarize what we have learned, so far,¬†about Tiger Woods.¬† Uh, let’s see.¬† Wait, I’ve got it:¬† If you go to Vegas and you want to hire a hooker for an hour, Tiger Woods is the last guy you want to negotiate her fee!

$700 million !!! You can’t make $700 million dollars in six years playing professional golf – even if you win every tournament you play – which he didn’t.¬† Turns out, in the six years¬†Woods was married, he¬†played in¬†a PGA santioned tournament¬†eighty-four times.¬† Or, another way to look at it – every time Woods¬†entered a tournament, he cut his ex-wife a check for $8,333,000.¬†

Problem is, during that same six year period, Woods average annual winnings were only $8 million per year !!! 

In a 2007 research project by the Beta Research Corporation, scientists found that men between the ages of 21 years and 49 years had sex up to five times per week.¬† But by now, we all know that Tiger Woods is afflicted with that dreaded ‘sexual addiction’ thing, so he may be somewhat more active than the average guy. But, just for the sake of argument, let’s say that ‘ol Woody was ‘tapping-the-taco’ five times a week.¬†

So, doing¬†the the math, six years of ‘boinking-the-bimbos’, five times a week,¬†for a¬†period of 312 weeks, means Woods has “chucked-the-muck’ a total of 1,560 times over this period.¬† As such, it does not take a member of Mensa to calculate the average¬†tab¬†for each act of playing ‘capture-the-coochie’ cost ‘ol Woody a whopping $448,718 !!!

To translate into English, Tiger Woods has been paying nearly half a million dollars a shot for every time he has gotten laid Рand has been doing it for the last six years. 

I don’t know, but somehow, that little piece of math¬†just makes me feel better about justice in this world.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.



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