Frog in toilet

Let me say this about that.

For all you guys out there looking forward to retirement, let me warn you that it’s nothing – NOTHING – like what you expect.  Remember the humongous change in your lifestyle when you went from ‘single man’ to ‘married man’?  Well, that’s nothing compared to the lifestyle change you are gonna experience when you retire.

When you were working, you were gone the better part of the day – or – as was my case, you were always travelling on business.  When you returned home, you were normally treated fairly well by your wife, due to the reassuring knowledge that you were going to be gone soon, and the wife could get back to her routine.  But after retirement, all that changes.

Retirement brings to your wife the disturbing realization that you are going to be around the house – all the time.  Since she has been running the house for the last thirty years, she logically assumes that you need to be trained in your new ‘stay-at-home’ lifestyle and initiates a  training program – in topics like:

a)  How to properly turn on a light switch

b)  Which position is reserved for the mustard in the refrigerator

c)  Which items go into the recycle bin

d)  The proper orientation of a new roll of toilet paper

e)  How to wash a dish before it’s placed in the dishwasher

 I never knew life at home was so complex.  Suffice to say, this type of thing will drive a grown man to the loony-bin.  So to preserve the peace in a long term relationship, the only option is…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

I was clicking through the satellite movie guide last night trying to find a decent movie to watch …. not much on worth watching.

CLICK – vampire movie, no 

CLICK - Star Trek XIII, no 

CLICK – vampire movie, no 

CLICK – foreign film, no 

CLICK – vampire movie, no 

CLICK - chick flick, Hell no 

CLICK – vampire movie, enough !

What the hell is going on with all these vampire movies?  Scheduled from 6:00pm through 8:00pm, there were eight different vampire movies.  Why the sudden interest in vampires, and why is it so interesting to watch some weirdo with bad dental work bite people on the neck?

Turns out, making movies about vampires is not a recent phenomenon.  I Googled ‘list of vampire movies in English’ and found a website that listed 2,250 vampire movies, dating back to the silent film days.  OVER TWO THOUSAND VAMPIRE MOVIES !!!  Jeez.

You can imagine with that many movies made about vampires, it becomes quite difficult to…    (more…)

"Free-range" chicken

Let me say this about that.

There are a number of things in this life that I find unpleasant.  Going to the dentist for a root canal is certainly one.  Standing in line at the driver’s license bureau also ranks in the top five.  Being forced to hold some slobbering newborn is certainly not my cup of tea.  And, infomercials of any genre make me want to hurl my lunch.  But if there is one thing that continues to make the number one spot on my “hate-to-do” list it is shopping at the local grocery store.

Grocery stores are not built to accommodate guys.  There is no order in the way items are displayed in the aisles.  In the grocery store nearest my house, vegetables are on aisle #1, wine is on aisle #2, and cereal is on aisle# 3.  Then comes pharmeceutical products, beans, then dog food.  How’s a guy to know where to go to find anything?  My wife simply shrugs off my frustration and tells me to ask a clerk.  Tried it once:

Shambo:  “Excuse me, young man.  Can you tell me where I can find the risotto?”

Store clerk:  “No me incomode que usted viejo pedo.”

Shambo:  “Got it.  Somewhere between the taco shells and the watermelon.”

So much for help from the ‘help’.  What grocery stores need is a “Dewey Decimal System” like they have in libraries.  Better yet, a…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

I got sick of watching network news the other day, waiting for the college basketball scores and decided to try to find them on the internet.   It didn’t take long – and network news was still on so I busied myself with a little web surfing.  I ran across a couple of websites that dealt with phobias.  Holy smoke!!  I never realized there were so many things that people were afraid of.

One particularly thorough web site lists nearly 300 things that are officially recognized (by whom, I’m not sure) as fear-inducing to the point it has been assigned a name.  Some of these fears are understandible, such as Herpetophobia (the fear of snakes), Arachnephobia (the fear of spiders), Atomophobia (the fear of atomic explosions), and Selachophobia (the fear of sharks).  Others describe conditions of some pretty weird…    (more…)

photobucket

Let me say this about that.

I have been studying the current administration’s economic stimulus packages.  Not because I don’t have a life and have nothing better to do.  I am doing it because I have discovered a mathematical phenomenon that has been overlooked, not only by the general public, but by the Obama economic czars as well.

Just follow me here.  Obama is giving away money to stimulate the economy by infusing cash into the system.  So far, so good.  Unfortunately, the government is already hopelessly in debt and doesn’t have any money.  So, the administration is raising taxes on American citizens to generate the money which he is giving away to ….. American citizens.  This is rather like ‘robbing Peter to pay, …. well Peter’.

Apparently, the average product of the American education system thinks this makes perfect sense.  And most HOPE  that somewhere down the line, the extra taxes they pay will come back to them in some form of giveaway.  News flash – ain’t gonna happen.

The reason it ain’t gonna happen is that one must have a Program  that the government can “fund”.  Otherwise, it would appear that the government is simply giving back your own money and the folly of the economic stimulus package would be exposed.  It doesn’t matter if the ‘Program’ is useful ….. frankly nobody cares.  What matters is that it…    (more…)

Uga VII

Let me say this about that.

Question:  What happens when you mix good intentions with stupidity?   Answer:  A dumb idea. 

Dumb ideas abound in America, in part because we have a huge base of good-intentioned people.  Regrettably, because we also have abandoned disciplining our children and allowed our education system to become little more than a government run baby-sitting service, we also have a huge base of stupid people.  Good-intentioned people, who exit our schools with little useful knowledge, tend to gravitate to one of the thousands of government and private agencies who’s self-proclaimed mission is to “help” someone or something.  One such agency is PETA:  People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.  Decent folks with some pretty stupid ideas.  Let me give you an example.

The mascot of the University of Georgia is a pure bred white English Bulldog who’s name is an acronym for the university – “Uga”, pronounced ‘Uh-Guh’.  Since 1956, when the first Uga became the official mascot of the university, direct descendants of the original 1956 dog – now referred to as ‘Uga I’ – have replaced each previous generation as they died.  Regrettably, the most recent mascot, Uga VII,  passed away last week of congestive heart failure.  As a side note, the four year old dog had been given…    (more…)

Best Thanksgiving ever

Let me say this about.

If there was ever a phrase that describes how I live my life, it would be:

“Hell, I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.”  

I must admit to an occasional spat of whining – I often decry the injustice I see in this world – I bitch when my favorite teams lose – I complain at the ineptitude of our government “leaders” – I get aggravated at my wife when she tries to talk to me during a ’4th-and-goal’ - in truth, I don’t always view life from the sunny side of the street.

That, if for no other reason, is why I like to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday.  It forces me to realistically evaluate my life situation.  When I do that, I find that I am one of the luckiest son-of-a-bitches on the planet.

I have life-long friends, I’m married to the perfect woman, I travel the world, I eat better than Prince Charles, I’m in good health, I have a small but high quality family, and I don’t have to work anymore to finance my lifestyle.  I would call that having a lot to be thankful for – and I am (the occasional hissy-fit notwithstanding).

So, I am going to spend this week celebrating all that I have to be thankful for, with the people that I AM  thankful for.  I’m going to…    (more…)

Booger Retention Device

Let me say this about that.

By and large, we are an educated and intelligent society.  We have cognitive skills that allow us to figure out most of what we face in our everyday lives.  However, to be fair, there are a couple of general topics which defy logic, such as religion, politics, and women.  But these caveats aside, we do a pretty fair job of making sense out of most things.

That is why it is so disconcerting when we come across a situation that completely defies all understanding.  These situations are not necessarily part of  the Big 3 enigmas of religion, politics, and women, but are seemingly stand-alone circumstances that creep us out with their incongruity with the norm.  I offer the following examples.

Spitting baseball players:  What in God’s name is this all about?  Can’t we plop down in front of our TVs and watch a simple game of baseball without thirty or forty guys hocking loogies for three hours?  What is it about baseball that requires three acres of millionaires to constantly spit?  It rarely happens in any other sport.  WHY?  Can you imagine the finals at Wimbledon and the Williams sisters throw their heads back, and go…    (more…)

Sarah Palin college photo

Let me say this about that.

OK OK.  Call me a deviate.  Call me a pervert.  Call me a dirty ‘ol man, but I still have sexual fantasies about Sarah Palin.  The woman is simply a ‘total bisquit’.  If Palin had run as Bill Clinton’s Vice President, we would not have seen the man for eight years.  That photo of her in her dorm room during her college days says it all.  She is wearing a T-shirt with the caption “I may be broke, but I’m not flat busted.”   Turns out, the woman has a flare for understatement.  I say, “Sarah Palin for President!!”

Ohhh, I can hear the political pundits now: 

“But she’s not qualified.  She’s never held a national office.  She’s doesn’t know her way around Washington.  She can’t name the President of Ethiopia.  Her kid is pregnant.  She shot a moose.”

Shambo’s response:

“So, what’s your point?”

All throughout the previous administration, we found ourselves in two wars, with a third that may start with the next Iran nuclear inspection.  The trade deficit with China is a number too big to print in the Manhattan phone book.  The loss of jobs is unprecedented since the great depression.  Many of our South American “allies” are lining up in support of…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

All our lives, we have been fascinated by mythical creatures.  It starts in childhood with fanciful characters like Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.  As we get a little older, we add unicorns, Hobbits, and the Man-In-The-Moon.  For the really imaginative, there are always the elves and the more advanced society of leprechauns who show us the way to a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Then there is the ultimate mythical creature, the ‘imaginary friend’.

Pre-adolescence is usually accompanied by Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and all manner of PlayStation-induced incarnations of devils and dragons.  Mythical creatures tend to develop a darker side upon the arrival of adolescence with the appearence of werewolves, zombies, and vampires.  That usually concludes the ‘mythical creatures’ phase of childhood.  But as we enter our twenties, these Delphian-beings are replaced by the most bewildering, perplexing and elusive mystical creature of all:

The Perfect Woman.

Untold fortunes have been squandered in the pursuit of this magical ideal.  Intrinsically, we all know this creature does not exist, but like a four-year-old, putting out cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas Eve, we still believe.  Most guys cannot even…    (more…)