Reality show for old farts

Aug 22nd
Posted by shambo  as Aging, Reality, Television

Let me say this about that.

Damn Рdamn Рdamn!!!  How many reality shows do we have to endure?  Is there nothing worth showing on network TV these days other than these inane, hollow, crap-fests? 

Cooking reality shows, dating reality shows, stupid game reality shows, home video reality shows, survival skills reality shows, real housewife (yeah, right) reality shows, talent scout reality shows, decorating reality shows, house remodeling reality shows, antique appraisal reality shows, car auction reality shows, motorcycle building reality shows, auto repossession reality shows, bounty hunter reality shows, cop reality shows.

Reality shows Рreality shows Рreality shows Рreality shows Рand guess what?  MORE REALITY SHOWS !!!!  Please, somebody just shoot me.

For you imbecilic, banana-headed boobs out there who actually enjoy reality shows, I have a “Life-Choice” option for you: ….¬†either 1)…¬†¬†¬† stick your head in the microwave¬†oven and press ‘POPCORN’, or 2) look up ‘LIFE’ in the dictionary, and go get yourself one !!¬† You blockheaded ignoramus, the last thing you are going to see on a ‘reality show’ is anything that even approximates REALITY !!¬† There are only two things that are shared by all reality shows and they are 1) the results¬†are always scripted by the producers¬†and 2) someone always ends up crying.¬† That’s it.¬† Apparently that’s what passes for¬†reality for in America these days.

I have found that I am not alone in my disdain of reality shows.  There are many others who think that attending a lecture on the mating habits of the eastern Peruvian Yak, delivered in Chinese, to be far more entertaining than watching  a reality show.  Interestingly, all these folks seem to belong to my (old fart) generation. 

But fear not, ‘old fart nation.’¬† It’s Shambo to the rescue.¬† I have¬†produced a reality show for old farts, about old farts, starring old farts.¬† The show follows the daily lives of¬† old¬†people¬†in their 70′s as they ‘do-their-thing’ in a house fitted with 25 cameras.¬† The first episode will air on the “Old Fart Channel” Thursday night.¬† Here’s a preview:

Horace:¬† “Well Ralph, here we are on the ‘Old Farts” reality show.¬† How were you selected to be on the show?

Ralph:¬† “The producer walked into a room with about 20 of us sitting around¬†and¬†instructed everyone who remembered when the ‘Dead Sea’ was only ‘sick’, to follow him.¬† So here we are.”

Horace:¬† “Yeah, I know what you mean.¬† I’m so old I remember when Michael Jackson was a¬†black guy.”

Ralph:¬† “Yeah, you’re old, alright.¬† Are you married Horace?”

Horace:¬† “Indeed I am.¬† Why, last year me and Gertrude celebrated our 50th anniversary and I took her on a trip to Italy.”

Ralph:¬† “Why, ain’t you the romantic one.¬† What are you gonna do for her¬†this year?”

Horace:¬† “I’m saving up to go back and get her.”

Ralph:¬† “Good for you.¬† A good woman is important to making marriage work.¬† A buddy of mine just passed away and left his widow $30,000.¬† She told me she spent $5,000 of it to have him cremated and spent the rest of the inheritance on a stone in his remembrance.”

Horace:¬† “Jeez, Ralph.¬† $25,000 for a stone?¬† How big was it?”

Ralph:¬† “She said it was about three carats.”

Horace:¬† “I¬†understand your wife is here in the house with you.¬† Where is she now?”

Ralph:¬† “Yeah.¬† Both of us were selected¬†to be on this reality show.¬† She’s whipping something up in the kitchen now.¬† She will be along in a minute.”

Horace:¬†¬†“What sort of thing do you and your wife like to do?”¬†

Ralph:¬† “We enjoy eating out.¬† We had a really great¬†dinner at this new restaurant last night.¬† One of the best we’ve ever had.”

Horace:¬† “What was the name of the restaurant?”

Ralph:¬† “Uh, I have trouble with names.¬† What is the name of that flower?¬† You know the one with the red petals and has the¬†thorns?”

Horace:¬† “A rose?”

Ralph:¬† “Yeah, that’s it.¬† Hey Rose. (yelling into the kitchen) What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Horace:¬† “You know Ralph, gettin’ old ain’t so bad except for¬†the memory thing.¬† I’m gettin’ so senile, I could hide my own Easter eggs.

Ralph:¬† “Ohhh, that’s funny.¬† Senile jokes are all the rage nowadays, ya know.¬† I heard a good one the other day. Seems this old fart goes to the doctor for a check-up.¬† The doc did some tests and told the old guy to come back the next day for the results.¬† So the next day the old guy shows up and the doctor told him that he had bad news.¬† He told the old guy¬†that¬†he had cancer.¬† And,¬†to add insult to injury,¬†he also had alzheimer’s.¬† The old guy looked at him and said …. ‘It could be worse, I could have cancer’.”

Tune in next week for more from the “Old Farts Channel”.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

 

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