photobucket

Let me say this about that.

I keep hearing people whine about how tough their job is.  They complain incessantly about long hours, poor workplace environment, even danger.  Everyone cannot have THE toughest job, so I set out to find the “toughest job in the world” a couple of years ago.  This list became so popular that I decided to publish it on this blog, categorizing the jobs into several categories.

First of all, I would like to announce the Grand Prize Winner in the Overall Category.  May I have the envelope, please.  For 2009, the Toughest Job In The World award goes to:

TALIBAN JOKE WRITERS

“Did you hear the one about the Islamic terrorist who walked into a bar and ……..uh, no, that can’t be right.  Did you hear the one about the Iraqi beauty queen that…..oh, man.” 

I told you it was a tough job.

Everyone seem to think that government workers have it easy.  Not true.   And, I think you will agree that this year’s winner in the Government Category is a fitting tribute to those working in public service.  This year’s winner is:…    (more…)

photobucket

Let me say this about that.

Front page news in a Florida Keys newspaper:

“The County Commissioners made it official on Tuesday, when they passed a law making it illegal in the Florida Keys to do anything of ‘redeeming value’.  Punishment for this second degree misdemeanor would force the convicted to drink 5 gallons of beer until completion, or the onset of projectile hurling, whichever came first.” 

County commissioners were shocked when the passage of this new law spawned an outbreak of…    (more…)

photobucket

Let me say this about that.

In my post on July 19 entitled  “Pharmaceutical Ads” , I suggested that pharmaceutical companies were making up new diseases just to sell their drugs.  Since that post, I have been inundated with rebuttals by my loyal readership claiming that I have not done sufficient research into the subject.  To prove their point, they have submitted numerous examples of  new medical conditions not fully recognized until recently.

Jeffery from Portland,  writes that his wife has the worst case of ‘Bubble Butt’ he has ever seen, although she passes it off as a mild outbreak of  ‘Sweet Cheeks’.  Jeff complains:

“It started out as a simple case of ‘Split Ends’ but I’m afraid she’s headed for a serious case of ‘Horse’s Ass’.  I called our doctor and he said that, without treatment, her condition could eventually lead to a serious case of ‘Smoking Crack’.”

Jeff’s doctor recommended…    (more…)

photobucket

Let me say this about that.

During the years I lived outside the United States, I was often asked about daily life here in America.  Some of these questions concerned trivial subjects like: “What exactly is a bar-b-que?”, “Do people in Texas really wear cowboy hats?”, or “Do Rednecks really have red necks?”  Occasionally though, their questions were serious and thoughtful. 

During the time I was living in Singapore, there was the famous case of an ex-pat American teenager being “caned” for painting grafitti on cars.  Americans were shocked, but in Singapore, this punishment amounted to little more than a good spanking.  The notoriety of this incident spawned a flurry of questions about American justice by my Singaporean co-workers…..including this one:  “Is anyone in America above the law?”  My answer was yes – professional athletes.

Lack of punishment for crimes committed by professional athletes in this country is only rivaled by…    (more…)

photobucket

Let me say this about that.

When I retired seven years ago, my wife and I moved to a small town with a population of under 200 people.  Not much happens in our little village and there are few opportunities for entertainment, so television provides a large part of our amusement.  One of the evils that accompanies television is the commercial, especially the repetitive ones. Some hawk cleaning products, some free credit reports and some advertise matchmaking services  like “eBaloney.com”.

Unless you’ve been making a living harvesting bat guano in a Borneo cave, you’ve seen these commercials for online matchmaking services; there are literally dozens of them. They promise to find a perfect mate for you from millions of single folks who subscribe to their service.  Most base their matchmaking process on comparing multiple aspects of your background, interests, education, and personality with that of potential mates.  The process requires you to answer a couple of hundred questions on their questionnaire, describing yourself and the type of person you are looking for.  Simple.

I have been bombarded by these commercials to the point where I finally decided to find out what made these companies so popular.  So, I bit the bullet and completed a questionaire.  At first my wife expressed some trepidation, as all men are pigs and are not to be trusted; especially one that clearly has too much time on his hands.  But she finally agreed to go along because, in addition to…    (more…)

photobucket

Let me say this about that.

Most Americans are pretty finicky about what they eat.  Basically, we’re “meat & potatoes” oriented and sneer at anything exotic on our plate.  Asian cuisine, however, is much more varied.  When I lived in Asia, I was served such delicacies as cow ankle, camel hump, cat tongue, python skin (for dessert), and sea slug.  With the exception of sea slug, I was able to get most of it down (imagine a dead raccoon lying in a New Mexico parking lot for three days, mix it with pig snot – and you’ll have a pretty good idea what sea slug tastes like).

There is a small minority of Americans that savor unorthodox foods, but it rarely goes beyond oysters, truffles, or escargot.  The majority of us prefer our exotic ingredients in other ways.  Take for example…    (more…)

In January of this year, a 40 year old man drove his car into a minivan stopped at a Miami traffic light.  The crash was so violent that it killed three small children in the back of the minivan and hospitalized their father.  The driver that caused the accident and the deaths was found to have triple the legal maximum blood alcohol level at the time of the crash.  But on further investigation, the police also found that this man had received 26 previous traffic citations in the last eight years, including DUI and leaving the scene of an accident.  Yet, he still held a valid Florida driver’s license.  During pre-trial testimony, the man’s lawyer argued that the previous 26 traffic violations were irrelevant to the current charges and the jury should not be allowed to know about them.  The judge agreed!!

Question:  “What do you call the dumbest lawyer in the country?”   Answer:  “Your Honor.” 

In 2002, an employee of the hospital in Providence, Rhode Island raped one of their patients.  The rapist later sued the hospital claiming negligence because the hospital failed to prevent him from raping the patient.  Although it was ultimately dismissed, the truly amazing part of this story is that…    (more…)

photobucket

Let me say this about that.

Question: What’s the difference between a young man and an old man?  Answer: a young man still expects some justice in this world.  OK, OK, some of you are going to call me a cynical old goat, but sometimes I get the same pleasure when bad things happen to bad people as I do when good things happen to good people.  Both occasions, although rare, keep even the crustiest curmudgeon from losing all hope.

I was watching CNN in a bar in the Atlanta airport in the late eighties when it was announced that the Iran – Iraq war had entered it’s eighth year.  If you can find anything redeeming in a war, it was that this one was waged between two groups of demented, religious, terrorist-loving societies.  No one in the West gave a rodent’s keister who won, because it was…    (more…)

photobucket

Let me say this about that.

American poet James Riley is credited with creating the so-called “duck test” when he wrote: “If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, you probably got yourself a duck.”  Riley, who died in 1916, worried about the overuse of weasel-words decades before America became paranoid about calling things what they really are and spawning the age of political correctness.

Use of politically correct language in America has reached epidemic proportions.  We are so terrified of offending anyone that we have made up a completely different    (more…)

photobucket

Let me say this about that.

In a month or so, I will have been retired for seven years.  That probably gives me a little credibility on the subject, so a lot of “baby boomer” buddies, now approaching their own retirement, often ask me for advice.  Retirement is a traumatic event for most guys, but once you get into it for a while, you are also in for a few surprises.

Chances are you and your wife have different views of…    (more…)