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Let me say this about that.

OK, you brainiacs, what do you think was man’s greatest invention?  Was it the electric light?  No way.  How about the automobile?  Nope.  Some might say the airplane.  Sorry.  How about the cell phone?  Puuull — eeeezz!!  The kazoo was a better idea.

The answer is easy if you just think about it for a second.  Man’s greatest invention was TiVo.  For those of you who live in West Virginia, TiVo is an electronic system that is integrated into your TV set that allows you to record – and playback – programs at your convenience.  That in itself would be a reason to own one, but the best feature of TiVo is the ability to bypass commercials.

Do I get an AMEN!?!?

The capability to bypass commercials is essential for the maintenance of good mental health, especially with people on TV like…    (more…)

 

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Let me say this about that.

In the U.S., we have a growing list of  problems that were unheard of,  even just a few decades ago. We used to solve our problems with the self-reliant, take charge, good work ethic, and character of our forefathers. But those days are long gone.

For example, we hear a lot about being overweight these days. There is no denying that we Americans are a porky lot.  And as such, pharmaceutical aids for dieting and losing weight have become a huge business in the U.S.  According to a recent New York Times article, Americans spent $25 billion on diet aids in 2008.  Why?  Because Americans want immediate results, and apparently are willing to…    (more…)

Umbrella drinks

Let me say this about that.

Ok, I’ll admit it.  I’m a drinking man.  In my little village, cocktail hour is that sacred time of day when you can kick-back, shoot the breeze with neighbors, and have an adult beverage of your choice.  My drink of choice is what I call a “whitey”…..”whitey” is a contraction of the term “white-out”, an unfortunate side effect.  A whitey is made by mixing equal parts vodka and ice.  I usually drink them until I forget the recipe.

Drinks of choice are as varied as the people who drink them…..and some are quite bizarre.  I have a cousin, for example, who drinks Budweiser (mistake # 1) mixed with lime juice.  All I can say is: “Cuz, two wrongs don’t make a right.” 

For people who like to puke, the drink of choice seems to be  Jaegermeister.  If you have never sampled a Jaegermeister, it tastes roughly like week-old sauerkraut mixed with rat piss.  The drinking of Jaegermeister is also…    (more…)

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This organization was in charge of many of Ireland’s reform schools and orphanages.  The children had been incarcerated in these institutions for such high crimes as truancy, being born to an unwed mother, and stealing food to eat. After having admitted guilt in the case, this organization began a settlement negotiation with the Irish government.

The organization?…    (more…)

For those of us who have regular interaction with the airline industry, it’s hard to find a subject that invokes more raw contempt.  Airlines, and the airports from which they operate, have no peer when it comes to creative ways to piss-off their customers.  Customer dissatisfaction in this industry is so prevalent that it simply could not happen by accident.  Some very smart and creative geniuses must be paid a lot of money to guide the airline industry to this level of ineptitude.  Here’s how it unfolds.

National Geographic Travelor Photo by Sindre Ellingsen/Alamy

Arriving at the airport drop off zone, you are “greeted” by a cop that barks at you like a Marine boot-camp sergeant until your bags are heaved to the curb.  Like everything else at the airport,  checking-in is a great chance to practice your standing-in-line skills…..but be grateful, you will need these skills for EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO at the airport.  When you finally get up to the counter, you find that getting a boarding pass is really  just an opportunity to pay $20 to get your bag checked.

And does anyone understand how airlines price their tickets?  Why does a ticket from Miami to Dallas costs $188 on one airline and…    (more…)

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Let me say this about that.

Wanna have some fun and stir up a little excitement in the bargain?  Stroll into any Afghanistan mosque during evening prayers and loudly proclaim “Osama Bin Laden slept with Jerry Falwell !!”  There will be a fatwa slapped on your hairy butt quicker than you can say “Death To The Infidels !!”.

Wait, wait , I gotta better one. How about going on the Oprah Show and declaring that Michelle Obama is a narcissistic  gas bag and is planning to steal the White House silverware. Within fifteen minutes,  Al Sharpton will be on CNN denigrating you as a racist Antichrist.

But, if you really want to stir up a world of hurt – I mean, World War III, weapons of mass destruction kind of trouble — walk into any bar in south Georgia, halfway through Friday night happy hour and shout “Dale Earnhardt Jr. is a…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

The older I get, the less I understand.  I don’t accept things at face value like when I was younger.  But the more I question, even everyday things, the more befuddled I become. 

Is it just me, or  have you ever wondered how you look up a word in  a Chinese dictionary?  You can’t start with the first “letter” of a word,  as with  an English dictionary, because……..uh, there are no letters in the Chinese alphabet.  Yet, Chinese 3rd graders seem to have no problem resolving this enigma.   

And while we’re at it, somebody please explain to me how…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

OK.  I have a question.  Why do you need a license to have a dog, but you don’t need a license to have a kid?  Hmmmmmm.

Why are we even required to have a license for a dog?  The best answer I could find came from the San Francisco animal control web site (check it out).  They list 5 reasons to license your dog.

1) If your dog gets lost, it’s the easiest way to reunite it with it’s owner.—- Forget the kid.  Despite U.S. Dept of Justice statistics (2002) that 797,500 kids go missing in the U.S. each year,  it’s the dogs that we’re really concered about.  However, from watching a few of these little rug-rats throw a hissy-fit in a restaurant last night,  I can see some wisdom here.    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

Americans love a good panic.  The stock market is crashing!!  The housing market is dead!!  Terrorists aren’t putting their shoes through the X-ray machine!!   A-Rod is a doper!!  Brad dumped Jennifer !!  Swine Flu is gonna kill us all!!

Yeah, yeah….we’re all gonna go broke, and we’re all gonna die, and probably end up some place completely devoid of virgins.

The panic du jour?  Swine (H1N1) Flu.  America is in a panic because the nation’s press told us that we should panic, shut down schools, stop all travel, wear your surgical masks, and huddle in the basement to await the ultimate doom.

What the hell ever happened to common sense in this country?   And, when did actual facts go completely out of style in journalism?   (more…)

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I have asked many tennis fans to explain this phenomena.  Most believe that playing tennis requires so much concentration that absolute silence is mandatory.  OK.  Let’s compare tennis to another sport where fans traditionally create as much bedlam as a small thermonuclear explosion…… say, Indy car racing.

At the Indy 500, a driver is hurled toward a steel reinforced concrete wall at the end of every straight at 200 mph, while being strapped into a tiny, claustrophobia-inducing cockpit, surrounded by 20 gallons of high octane gasoline.  The roar of the 400,000 fans is barely audible – being drowned out by the 700 hp, unmuffled engine just 4 inches away.  Accidents happen – drivers die.   (more…)