The Elbo Room

Let me say this about that.

A year or so ago, I wrote a series of blogs extolling the virtues of one of my favorite subjects - ‘Sleazy Bars’.  Hanging out in a sleazy bar is like hands-on research for all the evils you hear about when you go to church.  In fact, it is rumored that Moses did not receive the 10 Commandments from God during a little mountain-climbing expedition to Mount Sinai, but assembled these moral imperatives from notes taken while slamming tequila shots in a sleazy bar.

But I digress.

I’ve had significant reader feedback on these five articles – mostly from people claiming that my selection of ‘The Sleaziest Bars In the World’ excluded their favorites.  With so many sleazy bars – and so little time – I simply ignored this input as superfluous to the judgement of a renowned sleazy bar expert, such as myself.  That is, until a friend of mine reminded me of a bar in…    (more…)

Is bigger really better?

Let me say this about that.

About a year ago, I wrote an article for this blog entitled “Penis size – does it really matter?”  Since the LMSTAT blog was started in 2009, this single article has received more hits than any other – by far.  I have no way of knowing who among you has such a fascination with penis size, but from several comments you’ve submitted I’m guessing the 13 – 17 year old male constitutes the majority.  This particular demographic generally does not know – exactly – what to do with their penis at this stage of their development, at least when it involves a second human being.  So, I figure I must be providing some kind of needed service for these young lads with this type of research.

“What else?” , I wondered, could I do to help my young brethren, newly introduced to puberty, to become acclimated to their future life - destined to be dedicated to the conquest of  (don’t mean to get too technical here) “da Booty”.  What else I wondered, does every male of the species, think about every waking moment of his day?  The answer came to be in a flash.

Women’s breasts ……………  mammaries, busts, bosoms, hooters, titties, gazonkas, bazooms, boobs, jugs, knockers, honkers, melons, and finally for the crude, but articulate – ‘dairy pillows’. 

It is a fair assumption that if the average American male believes the magnitude of his ‘Baloney Pony’ is an asset, he probably has an appreciation for…    (more…)

National Treasury of the Philippines

Let me say this about that.

I’ve always been fascinated by money.  Oh sure, “Who isn’t?” you may ask, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the ‘things’ that are used for legal currency.  Today of course, legal currency is usually paper notes or coins issued by the federal government of any particular country.  There are some interesting differences in the currency of each of the world’s nations, but not nearly as interesting as some of the stuff used as currency in ancient times.

(short history lesson – stay with me, it won’t take long).  Currency came into wide use around 2000 BC in Mesopotamia, or what is now modern-day Iraq.  In those days, Iraqi’s actually worked, as opposed to…    (more…)

Finger Guillotine

Let me say this about that.

Like most retired guys, I am fairly handy around the house when it comes to minor maintenance and repair.  A stuck door here, a leaky faucet there, and we can hold our own.  That is unless you have one of those creatures living in your house like I do.  I forget the scientific name, but around here we call them ….. women.

Having a woman in the house puts a whole new wrinkle on home maintenance, especially when something needs to be fixed in (may God have mercy on our soul) ……  ‘her space’.  And by ‘her space’, I mean in her bathroom – one of the most scary pieces of real estate this side of the Chernobyl nuclear waste dump. 

Much to my horror, the sink stopper mechanism in Mrs. Shambo’s bathroom broke.  She instantly positioned the repair of said fixture to a priority just above the achievement of world peace.  Apparently, the availability of a functioning bathroom sink, is to a woman – as a pork chop is to a ravenous wolf.  I didn’t question the obsession with having a functioning sink in her bathroom – even though there are two others in the house – I just went to fetch my tool box.

I laid out a set of wrenches in front of the sink cabinet to prepare for – maybe – a 15 minute job.  I reached for the cabinet door underneath the sink, and that’s when I heard it.  ‘IT’ was that creepy music you hear in slasher movies when the teenage bimbo, the one with the big hooters, starts to open the closet door in the abandoned neighborhood house where the ax murders took place ….. ‘oooooooooooooo’. 

There, in the cabinet beneath the sink, staring me in the eye and totally blocking my access to the broken plumbing, was a…    (more…)

Foreign aid - country

 Let me say this about that.

A guy walked into a doctor’s office and complained to the nurse about severe headaches.  The nurse directed the guy to an exam room and told him to wait for the doctor.  A few minutes later the doctor walked in and asked the guy what was his problem.  The guy said “Doc, my head hurts when I do this …”, and with that, got up off the exam table, walked to the end of the room and began banging his head against the wall.

The doctor watched a few minutes and said “OK, I think I have just the thing for you …”, scribbled something on his prescription pad and handed it to the guy.  On it, the doctor had written “Stop doing that.”

Before I retired, I worked in the advanced electronics industry and was involved in a number of  intricate international business alliances, often worth billions of dollars.  These operations almost always required upper management to solve complex problems involving technology, international logistics, government regulation, labor problems and material supply.  Many times the solutions did not require us to do smart things, they simply required us to stop doing stupid things.

Apparently, neither our friend in the doctor’s office, nor the U.S. government, have learned that lesson.

A couple of days ago, the Obama administration announced that the United States would run a budget deficit in 2011 of $1,500,000,000,000.  In plain English, the federal government is about to spend $1.5 TRILLION  more dollars - next year –  than they can generate by taxing us any more than they already have.  In this budget are tens of billions of dollars that we will give away to…    (more…)

Swine flu - PANDEMIC !!!!!

Let me say this about that.

Am I alone here, or does anyone else remember when common sense ruled our decision making?  Is there anyone else out there that belongs to the tribe who believes rational thought, logic and reason are required to guide us through life?  Are facts irrelevant in today’s world?  Have intelligence, lucidity, enlightenment, judgement, prudence and perspicacity completely outlived their usefulness in the 21st century?  Apparently, the answer is yes.  In short …

…… the whole freakin’ world has gone crazy.

Let me pause here for a moment and admit that I am, indeed, an old fart.  I also realize that every old fart who came before me has made similar assertions regarding generations that preceded his own.  I have simply updated my forefather’s assessment of the current generation as…    (more…)

Beware cat claws

Let me say this about that. 

Ya know, sometimes the world can be a very dark place.  Wars, recessions, terrorism, debt, reality shows -  sometimes leave us wondering how we can simply make it through the day.  Ever wonder why so few old people have a fear of death?  It’s because they believe “….. well hell, it couldn’t be much worse than this.” 

A lot of folks resort to drugs and alcohol to relieve their stress.  Some go the Michael Jackson route with prescription drugs.  I prefer the ‘Tiger Woods’ program for improving your mood, but alas,  Mrs. Shambo owns a gun.  That leaves the last bastion of insanity prevention – “Humor”.  

The funniest stories almost always are true.  I mean, I enjoy a good ‘blond’ joke as much as the next guy, but there are far too many funnier stories that come out of real life.  When I get into a bad mood, I always remember the story of…    (more…)

Pterodactyl

Let me say this about that.

“Well, at least it was a Fair Fight”.  We’ve all heard this expression since we were kids.  A “Fair Fight”, as a way to settle differences of opinion, is as much a part of the American lexicon as the ‘right to bear arms’.  That’s what we Americans are all about ….. every man with an equal chance to win - no whooping up on a weaker guy – no gangs attacking a single opponent – a “fair fight,”  that’s the American way.

Well, maybe not – at least not anymore.

My father  was a man who was grounded in a black-and-white sense of honor.  There was ‘right’ and there was ‘wrong’ and everything on God’s green earth fell into one of these two categories – there was no third category, no ambiguity, no waffling, no gray area.  It was right or it was wrong – period.

In today’s world, ‘ol Dad’s views would be as out of place as a Pterodactyl in a bird cage.  There are no ‘fair fights’ in today’s world.  Why?  Probably because…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

Most of my friends know that I’ve been around a bit  and thoroughly enjoy international travel – in particular to exotic destinations.  So an old buddy called the other day and asked if I might be interested in a trip to the Galapagos Islands.

Now, I know for those of you living in West Virginia, geography is a field of study reserved for college level, so I will explain a little about the Galapagos.  The Galapagos Islands lie in the Pacific ocean about 500 miles west of Ecuador.  The islands are famous for their near total isolation, the unique wildlife, and as the inspiration for Charles Darwin’s theories of evolution. It’s this last bit that makes the islands somewhat controversial.

Darwin theorized that all animals (including humans) evolved from earlier forms, in part, to adapt to their local environment. Organized religions have taken issue with this theory as total nonsense – as they cannot fathom evolution competing with their theories that feature such scientific elements as…    (more…)

"...sheehubu...shiitshu... sockclucker"

Let me say this about that.

A friend of mine from Alabama was visiting for a few days and I asked him if he would like go to a baseball game.  I thought this might be a nice diversion for him since there are no sports played in the State of Alabama that do not require a firearm or a pickup truck.  He hesitated a moment and said he didn’t know that much about baseball but might like to give it a try.  I offered to explain the game on the ride to the Florida Marlins stadium where there were playing the Atlanta Braves that afternoon.  He agreed, so we hopped into the car and I started my ‘baseball tutorial’.

Baseball, I explained, is a game played by southern gentlemen wearing long pants.  They are all millionaires, but seem to be…    (more…)