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Let me say this about that.

Anybody who knows me knows that I love to go fishing.  There is something intrinsically magnificent about a sport in which one can participate while drinking a beer.  After all, I am a guy and I am an American.  However, it has only been recently that I have taken up ‘fly fishing’.  Fly fishing, I have learned, is a lot like golf.  In other words, it requires very expensive equipment, it requires that you get up at the crack of dawn, it’s nearly impossible to master, and requires that you learn an entirely new repertoire of four-letter expletives.

Recently, my cousin invited me to go fly fishing for rainbow trout in a cold mountain river near a cabin he has in western North Carolina.  I was very excited to learn the intricacies of this new sport from a professional guide my cousin had arranged.

We arrived at the river at ’0-dark-thirty’ where we met the guide.  The guide immediately suggested that we…    (more…)

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Let me say this about that.

Just as with any other profession, out there somewhere is the world’s worst doctor.  Now, with most professions, being the worst is merely an annoyance.  Take car salesmen for example:

Car salesman:  “Good morning sir.  What can I do to get you to buy a car – today?”

Customer:  “Do you have any 4-wheel drive SUV’s?”

Car salesman:  “Yes indeed sir, but what can I do to get you to buy a car – today?”

Customer:  “What sort of gas mileage does this one here get?”

Car salesman:  “Of course sir, and what can I do to get you to buy a car – today?”

Customer:  “Did you know I nailed your mom last night?”

Car salesman:  “Right you are sir.  Now what can I do to get you to buy a car – today?”

With bad doctors, it can be a little more serious.  No one ever goes out looking for…    (more…)

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Let me say this about that.

What is it with aliens and butts?  I know, I know, you are scratching your head and thinking:

“Maude, ‘ol Shambo has finally gone round the bend.  He’s writin’ something ’bout aliens and butts.  Boy, ‘ol boy, I sure wished that we had some of the wacky peyote that he’s been smokin’.  How in the name of Jefferson Davis can he write anything that has ‘aliens’ and ‘butts’ in the same sentence?”

Well loyal ‘LMSTAT’ fans, this is not as big a stretch as you might think.  In 1992, a UFO expert (whatever that is) by the name of Dr. Karla Turner wrote a book about her own alien abduction in a book entitled Into the Fringe.  In her book she describes the twenty-one things you can expect to happen when it’s your turn to be abducted.  I won’t go into detail here, but most of the twenty-one things would make the Marque de Sade retch.

As you might surmise, one of the things you DO NOT WANT TO DO when abducted by aliens is…    (more…)

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Let me say this about that.

How hard is it to simply tell the truth?  What is so difficult about coming right out in the open and exposing the bare naked facts?  Well, apparently in America, we cannot live without hedging our bets when it comes to exposing the truth about almost anything.  We have become purveyors of:

Prevarication…. Equivocation…. Fabrication…. Adulteration…. and Exaggeration

Or, if you live in Alabama:

Shuck & Jiving…. Pussyfooting…. Lying & Flying…. Bull Crapping…. and Fibbing

Or, if you are a Democrat: ……. Misspeaking

I miss the ‘truth’.  The simplicity of truth has a grace and elegance that you just can’t find in any other human endeavor.  Many people under the age of 40 have probably never heard the raw, unabashed utterance of the ‘truth’.  Even in grammar school, kids born after the Vietnam War were told…    (more…)

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Let me say this about that.

It is the nature of human beings to want to have an explanation for everything – and this character flaw is especially pronounced in America.  I suppose the rationale for this bit of arrogance is that we are at the top of the food chain and SHOULD understand the root cause of every phenomenon in our lives.  Perhaps this is the reason that – when we don’t understand something – we just make up an explanation.

This should not be surprising as we are taught to do this from childhood:

Mom:  “Johnny, did you break that lamp?”

Johnny:  “Uh, uh…….no Mom.”

Mom:  “Well,  who did?”

Johnny:  “The dog broke it.”

Mom:  “You don’t have a dog.”

Johnny:  “Yes I do – but he’s invisible.”

How ’bout this one.  A couple of guys at “The Bar” were talking about Michael Vick’s recent release from prison and new contract with the Philadelphia Eagles.  The central question was…    (more…)

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Let me say this about that.

I must admit, I am not aging gracefully.  Not to put too fine a point on it, getting old sucks.  But, as I have remarked in the past, the option to getting old is not one I would like to explore.  I am not afraid of death, per se.  It’s the process of getting dead that scares the hell out of me.  As the man said, it’s not the fast pace of life that is disconcerting, it’s the sudden stop at the end.

Contemplating one’s mortality is a waste of time, really.  If getting old is inevitable – and if your lucky, it is – might as well enjoy what few benefits that accompany it.  For example, most old people are…    (more…)

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Let me say this about that.

I get to Atlanta five or six times a year.  I went to undergraduate school there and still have lifelong friends that live in and around “Hot Lanna”.  Everytime I go, I have to make an obligatory stop at “The Bar”.  “The Bar” is not so much a specific place of business as it is a particular watering hole that is, at the moment,  in favor with “The Guys”.  “The Guys”  constitute a posse of the most diverse, bizarre, and truly interesting people you will ever meet.  You cannot become one of “The Guys” by election, paying dues, making application, buying drinks, or appointment by the President.  To become one of “The Guys” requires…    (more…)

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Let me say this about that.

Last week, I posted a blog announcing the winners of the 2009 “World’s Toughest Jobs” awards.  The response to these awards has been tremendous and our loyal readers have asked that they be expanded.  Further, our fans want to be an integral part of nominating – and – awarding excellence in future categories.  As past awards focused on difficult and challenging professions, the readership suggested future categories concentrate on the opposite end of the spectrum.  So, this past weekend, I constructed a nomination short list for several additional categories.  Your job, Dear Readers, is to…    (more…)

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Let me say this about that.

If you’ve read the “About” tab in the upper left corner of this page, you know that before I retired, I was an engineer.  Now engineers are notoriously good at math and equally as bad at  communication.  So after I retired, I vowed to work on improving my skills in the use of the English language.  But I’ve run into a few obstacles and it’s becoming clear that English is a second language for this old engineer - even when it comes to something simple, like animals.  Let me give you a couple of examples.

I was visiting my uncle on his farm recently and he wanted to show me the new mule he had just bought.  On the way across the field to the barn, he cautioned me not to…    (more…)

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Let me say this about that.

Getting old is much more complex than just sitting in your La-Z-Boy and awaiting the passage of time.  There are the complexities of medicare, social security, reverse mortgages, and ear hair.  Most of what an old guy needs to know about such things is readily available, but little exists on some of the most important, but socially sensitive subjects.  In other words, there is no “Getting Old For Dummies” that us old guys can reference for these issues.

Fear not, my aged brethren.  Shambo is about to bridge this gap.

As guys age, their body chemistry changes dramatically and produces copious amounts of…    (more…)